These lies are to be used by the leader of the country when wishing to invade
WE NEED MORE LIVING SPACE.
THEY WONT GIVE US OUR BALL BACK!
THEY STARTED IT.
OURS IS THE ONLY REAL GOD.
When you're late for work
SORRY I'M LATE - MY ENTIRE FAMILY WAS JUST INCINERATED IN A HOUSE FIRE! (Wait
for at least six months before trying this one again. If people are suspicious,
hold a mock funeral, take photos and stick them on the office noticeboard. Send
yourself sympathy cards. If no one still believes you buy an urn. Put a label
on the side reading 'Family Members', then empty all ashtrays you can find into
it. Be sure to remove the cigarette butts.)
THE TRAFFIC WAS BUMPER TO BUMPER. (Not too effective if you catch the train.)
THERE WAS A DERAILMENT. (Make sure you don't drive to work.)
MY PENIS GOT CAUGHT IN MY FLY AND IT TOOK ME THREE-QUARTERS OF AN HOUR TO
DELICATELY CUT MY TROUSERS OFF MYSELF, THEN ANOTHER HALF-HOUR ROLLING AROUND THE
BED SCREAMING, THEN ANOTHER 40 MINUTES TO GET THE COURAGE TO PUT ANOTHER PAIR
OF TROUSERS ON AND DO UP THE FLY. (Only works for guys, or girls who have injected
steroids into their clitoris.)
SORRY, I SLEPT IN. (Your wife's bed when you left for work.)
SORRY, MY GRANDMOTHER DIED THIS MORNING. (Note: This only works twice. Ditto
I SHIT MYSELF ON THE WAY TO WORK. (Because I was running so late.)
When you won't be in, get someone to ring in for you
RASH WONT BE IN TODAY - I THINK HE'S DEAD.
RASH WONT BE IN TODAY - HE'S GOT DIARRHOEA. (Verbal.)
RASH IS THAT SICK HE CANT GET TO THE PHONE. (Don't ring on a mobile.)
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