Send yourself a least a dozen cards to your work and home with explicit sexual
dialogue. Do not do this if you're married or unbelievably ugly.
I'M SORRY I DIDN'T BUY YOU FLOWERS BUT THEY WERE ALL OUT OF LONG-STEMMED ROSES.
OTHER FLOWERS WOULDN'T DO JUSTICE TO YOUR EXCEPTIONAL BEAUTY.
DIDN'T YOU RECEIVE YOUR BOUQUET OF FLOWERS TODAY? THAT ROTTEN FLORIST. CAN
YOU BELIEVE IT? THAT'S THREE YEARS IN A ROW THEY'VE STUFFED UP.
I PURPOSELY DIDN'T SEND YOU A CARD THIS TIME AS I'M AGAINST WOODCHIPPING.
(Don't tell them this in front of an open fire, or reading the daily paper, or
in a log cabin.)
YOUR CARD MUST HAVE GOT LOST IN THE POST. (Yeah, I lost it before I could
HOW THE HELL DID THAT CAN OF SPRAY PAINT GET IN MY HAND?
I THOUGHT THEY WANTED PAINTINGS ON THE SIDES OF THEIR TRAINS AND ON THE INSIDES
AND THE SEATS. (Talk in a French accent.)
IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE, OFFICER. THE BRICK JUST SLIPPED OUT OF MY HAND, WENT
STRAIGHT THROUGH THE JEWELLER'S WINDOW AND ALL THE RINGS AND WATCHES FELL OUT.
I WAS TRYING TO PUT THEM BACK IN. THAT'S HOW I CUT MY HANDS. (Use this as a last
OH, I THOUGHT THAT WAS MY CAR I WAS SCRAPING THE 20-PENCE PIECE DOWN THE SIDE
OF. (Not your police car.)
I DIDN'T BURN DOWN THE SCHOOL (Be sure not to be toasting marshmallows, laughing.)
SIR, I SAW THE PERSON WHO STARTED THE FIRE. THEY RAN OVER THERE. (Note: If
they ask for a description, don't describe yourself. Describe the police officer
hassling you and then make a citizen's arrest.)
A - B
- C - D - E
- F - G - H
- I - J - K
- L - M - N
- O - P - Q
- R - S - T
- U - V - W
- X - Y - Z