AN IDEAL FIRST INVESTMENT! (This means whatever you do, don't live in this
CLOSE TO ALL TRANSPORT. (It means it's on a flight path, or a railway station
detours through your garden.)
ELEGANT VICTORIAN STYLE. (Means it's a ruin, ready for demolition.)
COSY. (Means it's a shoebox — the owner was Old Mother Hubbard.)
SPECTACULAR VIEW. (Yeah, if you like a brick wall.)
NEEDS A LITTLE TLC. (And a £100,000 renovation.)
HAS A SUNNY OUTLOOK. (Needs a whole new roof.)
SORRY, GOD, FOR KILLING 30 PEOPLE THIS WEEK. I WONT DO IT AGAIN.
SORRY, GOD, FOR KILLING ANOTHER 30 PEOPLE THIS WEEK. I WONT DO IT AGAIN.
If Mormons come to your door:
Answer it in the nude, preferably with a knife in your hand.
Draw an outline of a dead body on the pathway to your front door.
If Jehovah's Witnesses come to your door:
COME IN - WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO SACRIFICE A GOAT. Say that you're a Mormon and
ask for their address.
DO I KNOW ABOUT THE 'WATCH TOWER'? YEAH, I SPENT SIX HOURS THERE LAST NIGHT.
Ask them if they actually witnessed Jehovah, and when they say no, call them fakes
and liars and throw them out.
How to skip the queue
I PERSONALLY MADE THE RESERVATIONS MYSELF. (Don't use this in KFC or McDonald's.)
I WANT A TABLE NOW. IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHO WE ARE. (This will
really have the waiters baffled. The rest of the day they will be saying — 'Who
Stuff a pillow up your girlfriend's dress so she looks pregnant. Just as you
have nearly finished your meal, tip some tomato sauce on her thighs. Get her to
scream, 'Oh, my God, it's coming.' Grab her hand and rush from the restaurant.
If you spill soup on your lap
EXCUSE ME, WAITER - THERE'S A SOUP IN MY FLY.
If the service is slow
EXCUSE ME, WAITER - I DIDN'T REALISE THIS WAS A BUFFET.
COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF - TELL HIM HE'S CHARMING, INTELLIGENT AND GOOD LOOKING,
BUT THAT HE CANT COOK FOR SHIT.
Impress your date - order your meals in French.
BONJOUR GARCON, DEUX LE BIG MACS, DEUX LE THICK SHAKES AND LE FRENCH FRIES,
S'lL VOUS PLAIT
A - B
- C - D - E
- F - G - H
- I - J - K
- L - M - N
- O - P - Q
- R - S - T
- U - V - W
- X - Y - Z