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A - Z of Lies
About Your Body
Animals
Classic Lies
Food
Gumpisms
Reassurances
School
Warnings
What We Tell Kids
White Lies
Your Mother



> Complete A - Z guide to lies and lying

OLD PEOPLE

WE'LL COME AND VISIT YOU AGAIN SOON. (Around the turn of the century.)

OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT A BURDEN TO THE NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE - A HEARING AID, GLASSES, A COLOSTOMY BAG, A WALKING FRAME, A PACEMAKER, FALSE TEETH, A TOUPEE, A RESPIRATOR - YOU REALLY ARE A PICTURE OF HEALTH.

Lies old people will tell you:

I'M MIDDLE AGED. (Sure, if you were going to live until you were 240.)

I MAY BE OLD BUT I DO HAVE WISDOM. (This comment is invalid if they say it sitting at a poker machine dribbling into a beer tankard.)

On losing their looks:

YEAH, THE YEARS HAVE BEEN REALLY GOOD TO YOU. (This will obviously be bullshit if the person you're talking to resembles a prune wearing a toupee.)

YOU DON'T LOOK A DAY OLDER. (. . . Than the pyramids.)

DON'T WORRY - I THINK CROW'S FEET, A TURKEY NECK AND JOWLS ARE A REALLY GOOD LOOK!

OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT UGLY, YOU'RE JUST VISUALLY CHALLENGING.


ONE-NIGHT STANDS

HURRY UP AND GET DRESSED - I'M LATE FOR WORK. (Works well if you have a job.)

QUICK - HURRY UP AND GET OUT OF HERE. MY HUSBAND'S COMING. (If you're female, keep a photo next to your bed of a Hell's Angel. Show the picture ten seconds before telling the above line. It works much better.)

RUN OUT THE BACK DOOR. I'LL KEEP HIM AT BAY FOR A WHILE.

(Have a pre-taped voice of your partner on a tape recorder - screaming, 'Let me in, I know you're in there.' Turn it on while returning from the bathroom.)

LEAVE ME YOUR NUMBER AND I'LL CALL YOU. (Yeah.)

I THINK I LOVE YOU. (This line will scare away 99 per cent of people in an instant. Warning — do beware of the torrid 1 per cent.)

AH OH. (Violently scratch your crotch every 20 seconds. This is sure to piss 'em off- one of my personal favourites.)

I PROBABLY WONT SEE YOU AGAIN AS I'M LEAVING FOR ALASKA TODAY. (Don't say this to an Eskimo.)


ORGASMING

The funny thing about orgasming is that guys fake not having them and girls fake having them.

OH YEAH, OH YEAH, OH YEAH, BABY, THAT FEELS SO GOOD. (Make sure you're in the same room.)

If you have faked an orgasm, a good thing to do is light up a cigarette. This is standard procedure after orgasming.

For a bloke, if you faked not having one do not go straight to sleep - this is an obvious bust.

If you pre-ejaculate, roll off screaming, and blame it on a cramp. This will give you enough time to reload.

Try not to scream out someone else's name.

Definite nos:

* Oh Mr Postman

* Oh Mr Milkman

* Oh Mr Garbologist

* Oh Fat Cat

Definitely do not scream out your own name.

*OH, I'M COMING: (Don't scream this while purchasing your condoms.) Premature ejaculation

I'M SORRY, DARLING, I COULDNT CONTROL MYSELF. (Don't say this while having dinner.)

IF ONLY YOU WEREN'T SO DAMNED ATTRACTIVE. Just after you ejaculate, reach over and turn forward your clock by 45 minutes and say: 'Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?'

Be as boring in bed as you can, so that 45 seconds will feel like an eternity.

For Australians only:

Don't give a shit, roll over and go to sleep.

Blame them.

Tell them it's their fault because they're more beautiful than the stars on a midsummer night's stroll and a ravishing sex machine to boot.

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