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A - Z of Lies
About Your Body
Animals
Classic Lies
Food
Gumpisms
Reassurances
School
Warnings
What We Tell Kids
White Lies
Your Mother



> Complete A - Z guide to lies and lying

MASTURBATING

Lies to use if sprung:

I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET THE WRINKLES OUT OF IT.

I WAS JUST RUBBING IT TO KEEP IT WARM.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET MY TAMPON OUT, WITH MY DILDO.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO TAKE THE SWELLING OUT OF IT. WHAT BROOM HANDLE?

I WAS JUST TAKING A PISS. (Don't say this if you're standing in the lounge.)

I'VE JUST JOINED THE IN VITRO FERTILISATION PROGRAMME AND THEY'VE ASKED FOR A DONATION.

I'VE JUST STARTED WORK AT A SPERM BANK AND I'M DOING A LITTLE OVERTIME.

I WAS THINKING OF YOU. (Not a good one if one of your parents catches you.)

I WAS JUST CLEANING IT. (With my mouth.)


MECHANICS

Watch out for mechanics because if you are not mechanically minded they will come out with some real bullshit to rip you off. Lies your mechanic will use:

THE REASON YOUR BLINKER WASN'T WORKING WAS BECAUSE THE MANIFOLD IN THE CARBURETTOR WASN'T IN RATIO WITH THE DIFFERENTIAL SUMP EXHAUST REGULATOR - THAT WILL BE £500.

SORRY, WE'RE STILL WAITING ON THE PART TO COME IN. (Standard lie - they really haven't even looked at it yet. And even if it doesn't need the part they will charge you for it anyway.)

I'M SORRY, WE JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET THESE ROUND THINGS TO MOVE. (If he's talking about the wheels, leave in a hurry.)

IT SHOULD BE READY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. (Yeah, which morning?)


MOBILE PHONES

Get wake-up calls set for every five minutes so when you're in a restaurant you seem to be really popular. Some lines to use when talking in public on your mobile phone:

LISTEN ... I DONT CARE HOW MUCH THEY COST . .. JUST BUY 100,000 OF THEM NOW.

MEL GIBSON ... HOW ARE YOU?... LISTEN, MATE, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER ABOUT MY NEW FILM.

MADONNA ... I'D LOVE TO FLY OVER AND HAVE LUNCH WITH YOU.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY THREE GOLD PORSCHES HAVEN'T ARRIVED?

YEAH, LISTEN, I'M THINKING OF BUYING THE OPERA HOUSE.

ELVIS ... I TOLD YOU NOT TO RING ME ON THIS NUMBER.

YOUR MAJESTY ... HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY?


MONEY

CAN YOU LEND ME £20 - I'LL PAY YOU BACK TOMORROW.

I PAID YOU THAT MONEY BACK AGES AGO. (Don't use this the next day after borrowing the money.)

DO YOU TAKE CHEQUES? (Sure, but not from you.)

WHAT ABOUT A RAIN CHECK ON THE MONEY I OWE YOU?

I KNOW I'M ONLY 20 YEARS OLD, BUT I'M ATTRACTED TO SIR MONTY JAMES BECAUSE MEN OVER 100 ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE AND STIMULATING, NOT BECAUSE HE'S A BILLIONAIRE WITH NO CLOSE RELATIVES.

I FOUND IT. (In your wallet.)

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR MONEY. (Since I spent it.)

HONEY, I NEED SOME MONEY TO PAY ALL THESE BILLS. (Beauty salon, Tiffany's, David Jones, Pierre Cardin - the necessities of life aren't cheap, you know.)


MOTHER-IN-LAW

YOU'RE LOOKING BEAUTIFUL TODAY.

I WISH YOU COULD STAY OVER THIS WEEKEND, BUT WE HAVE OTHER FRIENDS COMING OVER SOON, SO BEST YOU LEAVE NOW.

WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO RING YOU BUT NO ONE HAS BEEN ANSWERING.

GEE, YOUR HAIR IS LOOKING GREAT TODAY. IS THAT ITS NATURAL COLOUR - PURPLE?

DIDN'T WE TELL YOU THAT WE MOVED?

LET'S GO BUNGEE JUMPING - YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. OF COURSE I'VE TIED THE ROPE ON PROPERLY.

YOU LOOK LIKE MARILYN MONROE. (After she died.)

NO, I'M NOT IGNORING YOU - I WAS JUST THINKING OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Yeah, where to hide the body.)

IS THAT A NEW PERFUME OR HAVE YOU JUST WASHED OFF THE OLD STUFF?

If your mother-in-law arrives at your front door and asks 'Can I stay here for a fortnight?', say 'Yes', then close the door on her and scream through the door: 'You can stay there for as long as you like.'


MURDER

HE LUNGED AT ME WHILE I WAS HOLDING THE KNIFE. (Thirty times.)

I DIDN'T KNOW THE GUN WAS LOADED. (Because I had already put six rounds into him.)

Tell them the truth and they will never believe you.

I HAVEN'T SEEN MY WIFE FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I'VE KILLED HER. AS A MATTER OF FACT I'M JUST ABOUT TO DIG THE GRAVE NOW. DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GIVE ME A HAND WITH THE BODY?

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