Lies to use if sprung:
I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET THE WRINKLES OUT OF IT.
I WAS JUST RUBBING IT TO KEEP IT WARM.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET MY TAMPON OUT, WITH MY DILDO.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO TAKE THE SWELLING OUT OF IT. WHAT BROOM HANDLE?
I WAS JUST TAKING A PISS. (Don't say this if you're standing in the lounge.)
I'VE JUST JOINED THE IN VITRO FERTILISATION PROGRAMME AND THEY'VE ASKED FOR
I'VE JUST STARTED WORK AT A SPERM BANK AND I'M DOING A LITTLE OVERTIME.
I WAS THINKING OF YOU. (Not a good one if one of your parents catches you.)
I WAS JUST CLEANING IT. (With my mouth.)
Watch out for mechanics because if you are not mechanically minded they will
come out with some real bullshit to rip you off. Lies your mechanic will use:
THE REASON YOUR BLINKER WASN'T WORKING WAS BECAUSE THE MANIFOLD IN THE CARBURETTOR
WASN'T IN RATIO WITH THE DIFFERENTIAL SUMP EXHAUST REGULATOR - THAT WILL BE £500.
SORRY, WE'RE STILL WAITING ON THE PART TO COME IN. (Standard lie - they really
haven't even looked at it yet. And even if it doesn't need the part they will
charge you for it anyway.)
I'M SORRY, WE JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET THESE ROUND THINGS TO MOVE. (If he's
talking about the wheels, leave in a hurry.)
IT SHOULD BE READY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. (Yeah, which morning?)
Get wake-up calls set for every five minutes so when you're in a restaurant
you seem to be really popular. Some lines to use when talking in public on your
LISTEN ... I DONT CARE HOW MUCH THEY COST . .. JUST BUY 100,000 OF THEM NOW.
MEL GIBSON ... HOW ARE YOU?... LISTEN, MATE, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER ABOUT
MY NEW FILM.
MADONNA ... I'D LOVE TO FLY OVER AND HAVE LUNCH WITH YOU.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY THREE GOLD PORSCHES HAVEN'T ARRIVED?
YEAH, LISTEN, I'M THINKING OF BUYING THE OPERA HOUSE.
ELVIS ... I TOLD YOU NOT TO RING ME ON THIS NUMBER.
YOUR MAJESTY ... HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY?
CAN YOU LEND ME £20 - I'LL PAY YOU BACK TOMORROW.
I PAID YOU THAT MONEY BACK AGES AGO. (Don't use this the next day after borrowing
DO YOU TAKE CHEQUES? (Sure, but not from you.)
WHAT ABOUT A RAIN CHECK ON THE MONEY I OWE YOU?
I KNOW I'M ONLY 20 YEARS OLD, BUT I'M ATTRACTED TO SIR MONTY JAMES BECAUSE
MEN OVER 100 ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE AND STIMULATING, NOT BECAUSE HE'S A BILLIONAIRE
WITH NO CLOSE RELATIVES.
I FOUND IT. (In your wallet.)
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOUR MONEY. (Since I spent it.)
HONEY, I NEED SOME MONEY TO PAY ALL THESE BILLS. (Beauty salon, Tiffany's,
David Jones, Pierre Cardin - the necessities of life aren't cheap, you know.)
YOU'RE LOOKING BEAUTIFUL TODAY.
I WISH YOU COULD STAY OVER THIS WEEKEND, BUT WE HAVE OTHER FRIENDS COMING
OVER SOON, SO BEST YOU LEAVE NOW.
WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO RING YOU BUT NO ONE HAS BEEN ANSWERING.
GEE, YOUR HAIR IS LOOKING GREAT TODAY. IS THAT ITS NATURAL COLOUR - PURPLE?
DIDN'T WE TELL YOU THAT WE MOVED?
LET'S GO BUNGEE JUMPING - YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. OF COURSE I'VE TIED THE ROPE
YOU LOOK LIKE MARILYN MONROE. (After she died.)
NO, I'M NOT IGNORING YOU - I WAS JUST THINKING OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Yeah, where
to hide the body.)
IS THAT A NEW PERFUME OR HAVE YOU JUST WASHED OFF THE OLD STUFF?
If your mother-in-law arrives at your front door and asks 'Can I stay here
for a fortnight?', say 'Yes', then close the door on her and scream through the
door: 'You can stay there for as long as you like.'
HE LUNGED AT ME WHILE I WAS HOLDING THE KNIFE. (Thirty times.)
I DIDN'T KNOW THE GUN WAS LOADED. (Because I had already put six rounds into
Tell them the truth and they will never believe you.
I HAVEN'T SEEN MY WIFE FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I'VE KILLED HER. AS A MATTER OF
FACT I'M JUST ABOUT TO DIG THE GRAVE NOW. DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THE BODY?
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