Lying to God on Judgement Day
WELL, I WAS GOING TO REPENT. I WAS ON MY WAY TO CONFESSION THIS AFTERNOON
WHEN I WAS HIT BY A BUS.
God telling lies
I MADE THE WORLD IN SIX DAYS.
I LOVE MANKIND.
LISTEN TO THE POPE.
YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HEAVEN.
Top lies to get into the will
I LOVE YOU. (What you leave me is irrelevant but the BMW will need to be registered.)
YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. (Your money will do me the world of good.)
YOU DON'T SMELL LIKE MOTHBALLS. (Rancid mincemeat, perhaps.)
WOW - OLD SPICE -JUST WHAT I WANTED!
WOW - BIG WHITE UNDIES - JUST WHAT I WANTED!
Getting the inheritance
COME OVER TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF - I WONT PUSH YOU.
COME ON, CROSS THE ROAD, YOU'LL MAKE IT.
I DON'T HAVE ALZHEIMER'S. (Who are you anyway?)
What to say to security to get backstage at concerts:
IT'S OBVIOUS YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.
SORRY I'M LATE, HAVE THEY BEEN ASKING FOR ME?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY NAME ISN'T ON THE BACKSTAGE LIST? (When they pull it out
to check, spot someone else's name and say, 'There it is - they must have used
my stage name instead.')
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