IT WASN'T ME. (About the most common excuse, but who can prove it?)
WHERE'S THAT DOG? (I think it's up your arse.)
OH POO - WHO DID THAT? (Another classic. Nine times out of ten the person
blaming the others is the culprit.)
IT'S THAT NEW UNLEADED PETROL I'M USING. (Don't use this if the engine isn't
I CAN SMELL SHIT - SOMEONE MUST HAVE STOOD IN DOG POO. (That will keep them
guessing long enough for the fart to disperse.)
Blame any old person in the room, because:
* Everyone knows they smell.
* They won't hear you blaming them.
* Who cares if they do anyway?
I DID NOT FART - I HAVE SHIT MYSELF SOMEWHAT, THOUGH.
WE NEVER BREAK WIND. (Oh no, and we also hate going shopping.)
I COULD HAVE DONE HIM. (If it hadn't been for those six lucky punches.)
IF YOU THINK I LOOK BAD YOU SHOULD TAKE A LOOK AT THE OTHER BLOKE. (We did
and that hair out of place must be causing him agony.)
I WALKED INTO A DOOR. (Yeah, I can see the door dancing with your girlfriend.)
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, MATE? (Don't say this if they look like Marty Feldman.
If he looks remarkably like an ambulanceman the fight is already over.)
I WON. (Not to be used in Intensive Care.)
I MUST WARN YOU I'M A KARATE EXPERT AND I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU.
HOLD ME BACK OR I'LL KILL HIM. (I said someone hold me back . . . please.)
Admit defeat, and then hit him from behind.
Never use this cliched lie:
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.
Here are some that are more believable:
If you come across a beached whale, quickly place your hook in its mouth then
turn and say to any people who have gathered, 'Excuse me, would someone give me
a hand to throw this one back.'
Go to a fish market and purchase a 100kg tuna and tell them you are using
it as bait. Make sure you unwrap it before you get home.
THEY WERE TOO BIG TO PULL INTO THE BOAT.
I NEVER GET SEASICK.
I LET IT GO BECAUSE IT THREATENED TO CAPSIZE THE BOAT.
MATE - NO BULLSHIT - IT WAS THIS BIG. (Just use one hand.)
I CAUGHT HEAPS OF FISH. TAG AND RELEASE IS MY METHOD. I HAD TO COME IN, THOUGH,
AS I RAN OUT OF TAGS.
MATE, IT WAS THAT BIG THE PHOTO WEIGHED FOUR KILOS.
OH, DON'T WORRY, I'VE FLOWN HUNDREDS OF TIMES AND I'VE NEVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS.
(If you follow this comment with uncontrollable sobbing and constant referrals
to death and life insurance it may cast some doubt on your sincerity.)
I'M JUST STEPPING OUT FOR A WHILE. (Say this casually so as not to cause panic.)
DON'T WORRY, SIR, IT'S QUITE NORMAL FOR A PLANE TO NOSEDIVE WHEN IT LOSES
Is there a doctor or a pilot on the plane who didn't eat the chicken?
WE'VE LOST OUR CLOCK. IF YOU CAN HEAR IT TICKING COULD YOU PLEASE RAISE YOUR
DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO FLY A 747?
WE KNOW WHERE YOUR LUGGAGE IS. (On another plane heading in the opposite direction.)
DID YOU ENJOY YOUR MEAL? (Sure, that's why I'm buckled over.)
When all hope is gone:
PLEASE DISCARD ANY FLAMMABLE CLOTHING. IF YOU REACH UNDER YOUR SEAT YOU'LL
FIND AN INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED BODY BAG - COULD YOU KINDLY SLIP IT ON.
A - B
- C - D - E
- F - G - H
- I - J - K
- L - M - N
- O - P - Q
- R - S - T
- U - V - W
- X - Y - Z