HI, I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT ONE DAY ON MY LUXURY YACHT.
LET'S GO FOR A TRIP IN MY LEARJET. (Buy two tickets on a mystery flight and
take them on it.)
SORRY, I CANT MAKE IT TONIGHT - MY HUSBAND/WIFE HAS COME HOME.
SORRY, I'M GAY.
I'M CELIBATE. (Guaranteed to piss them off.)
SORRY, I CANT MAKE IT TONIGHT - MUM'S COOKING A LAMB ROAST.
SORRY, I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT IT (And you - who is this?)
Explaining to the kids
DADDY'S GONE TO SLEEP. (An intelligent child may reply: 'Oh, really? I thought
he suffered a cardiac infarction with a total respiratory collapse.')
Try explaining indirectly:
LISTEN, KID, DO YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR FATHER'S LIFE INSURANCE POLICY? WELL,
WE COLLECT IN THREE WEEKS.
HEY, KID, YOU KNOW YOUR DAD'S FAVOURITE CHAIR? WELL, FEEL FREE TO USE IT.
HEY, JOHNNY, CAN YOU GO TO THE SHOP FOR SOME MILK? OH YEAH, ON YOUR WAY BACK
COULD YOU BUY A WREATH?
HEY KIDS, DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO KNOW YOUR 'INNER
FATHER'? - GREAT, BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN INVITED TO THE AUTOPSY.
I HAVE LARGE BONES. (Yeah, sure, have you ever seen a fat skeleton?)
I HAVE A GLANDULAR PROBLEM. (Stop kidding yourself.)
I'M STARTING A DIET FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. (Most people say this so they
can stuff themselves the night before.)
ONE MORE WONT HURT. (As long as you're not talking about a whole cow.)
ALL THOSE CHOCOLATE CAKES IN THE FRIDGE ARE IN CASE A FRIEND DROPS OVER. (No
one's that popular.)
I HARDLY EAT A THING. (Things must be really big then.)
THESE AREN'T FATTENING. (When you eat six boxes of them they are, though.)
I HEARD SEX IS REALLY GOOD FOR LOSING WEIGHT. (You must be a virgin then.)
When you go off your diet, remember that meals aren't retrospective.
I THREW UP BECAUSE I WAS SICK.
GIVE ME THREE CHICKENS, CHIPS, TWO SLICES OF CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH ICE-CREAM,
PLUS WHATEVER THAT PERSON OVER THERE IS EATING AND A COKE. OH, MAKE THAT A DIET
COKE, AS I'M WATCHING MY WEIGHT.
NO, I DON'T NEED STITCHES. (Not a wise move if your arm or leg is hanging
I CANT HAVE A NEEDLE BECAUSE:
* I'M ALLERGIC TO STEEL.
* I'M ALLERGIC TO PAIN.
* I'M ALLERGIC TO BEING ALLERGIC.
I FEEL FINE, DOC. (Don't say this if you're partially decapitated.)
DOC - COULD I HAVE ANOTHER SHOT OF MORPHINE BECAUSE I'M IN A LOT OF PAIN?
(Try not to giggle while saying this.)
I'M ALLERGIC TO RUBBER GLOVES. (So's my bum.)
I NEED SOMETHING TO HELP ME SLEEP. (Because the uppers I scored off you are
DOC - I REALLY NEED AN ANAESTHETIC. (Save this for when you receive the bill.)
When buying drugs:
MATE, I'LL BRING YOU THE MONEY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. (Never believe
this. If they do, go for it.)
Never try and lie while affected by dope. You will be so paranoid that even
if you get away with the lie, you probably won't sleep for the next two days.
When mum finds the bong
OH, THAT'S MY SCIENCE EXPERIMENT.
It will be quite obvious to you by now that you love everyone and there is
no way in the world you could lie to them.
IT DIDN'T WORK.
People on heroin are the best liars on earth. Do listen to everything they've
got to say. Check for your wallet before leaving.
People on cocaine are compulsive liars and the most boring people to talk
to. They will consistently talk about themselves and how good they are. This is
commonly known as T disease.
EXCUSE ME, DID YOU JUST SEE THAT THREE-HEADED COW FLY PAST?
I'M NOT AN ADDICT.
MATE, I HAVEN'T HAD ANY OF THAT STUFF FOR MONTHS. (Yeah, that's why you've
just fallen asleep . . . hello.)
A - B
- C - D - E
- F - G - H
- I - J - K
- L - M - N
- O - P - Q
- R - S - T
- U - V - W
- X - Y - Z