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A - Z of Lies
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Your Mother



> Complete A - Z guide to lies and lying

ACCIDENTS

It's of paramount importance, whether talking to the police, the insurance company, the judge or the victim to have a back-up of top quality 'pork pies'.

Whenever there is an accident, always tell a lie, unless the accident falls in your favour.

Car accidents

It's important to remember when involved in a car accident not to move, as it is obvious that you have whiplash as well as your other three passengers. In case of a head on, red light, or out of control:

A BEE STUNG ME.

I SWERVED BECAUSE A DOG RAN ON THE ROAD. (Yeah, I was trying to hit it.)

THERE WAS A LOT OF OIL ON THE ROAD. (Can use this on a pedestrian crossing.)

SORRY, MATE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU.

(Say this while looking slightly away from the person and stepping out of the car with dark sunglasses, a hat and a cane. Works well if you drive a Volvo.)

I DROPPED A CIGARETTE ON MY CROTCH.

(Stub a cigarette out on your crotch before the police get there.)

A CHICKEN WAS CROSSING THE ROAD AND I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING.

(What traffic cop - the one jammed under your back wheels?)

SORRY, MATE, THE SUN WAS IN MY EYES. (Never use this one at night.)

SORRY, MATE, MY WINDSCREEN WIPERS AREN'T WORKING. (Never use this if you're riding a motor bike or if you are a pedestrian.)

SORRY, MY GIRLFRIEND WAS GIVING ME HEAD ... I MEAN MY HEAD A RUB BECAUSE I BUMPED IT.

Red Lights

OFFICER, WAS IT GREEN?

IT WAS GREEN.

I'M TELLING YOU IT WAS GREEN.

THERE COULD HAVE BEEN A TINGE OF ORANGE IN IT.

OKAY, IT WAS ORANGE, BUT NO WAY WAS IT RED.

LISTEN, IT TURNED RED WHEN I WAS HALFWAY THROUGH IT.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE - I'M COLOUR BLIND?

If colour blind:

OFFICER, IT WAS BLACK.

IT WAS BLACK.

I'M TELLING YOU, IT WAS BLACK.

Work accidents

When accidents happen at work, always blame it on someone junior to yourself.

I TOLD THAT IDIOT WHAT TO DO.

I TOLD THAT IDIOT WHAT NOT TO DO.

WHO WAS THE IDIOT THAT DID THIS? WHERE'S THAT IDIOT APPRENTICE?

THESE TOOLS ARE HOPELESS.

(To add weight to your argument, give the tools a minute's notice.)

Hiding the fact:

MATE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. (Neither do I.)

If you work alone, blame it on the alignment of the planets. If you drop something, blame Isaac Newton for inventing gravity.

Household accidents

Any household accident can be blamed on the pet, because they've got no defence. Anything that's broken:

THE DOG MUST HAVE DONE IT WITH ITS TAIL (Make sure your dog hasn't had its tail docked.)

I'VE GOT A SNEAKING SUSPICION IT WAS THE GOLDFISH. (Make sure you place a hammer and chainsaw in the goldfish bowl.)

IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE WIND.

IT WAS THE BULL FROM THE CHINA SHOP. (Buy a heap of steaks from the butcher's shop and throw them around your house and tell them how you killed the bull by hacking it to death.)

THE CAT DID IT.

WE'VE BEEN BURGLED.

(Don't say this wearing a balaclava.)

Cooking accidents

THE KITCHEN WAS ON FIRE BEFORE I STARTED.

(Be optimistic - if you've ever tasted my cooking, the fire was a godsend.)

WOULD YOU BELIEVE THE KITCHEN WAS ON FIRE WHEN I BOUGHT THE HOUSE?

(Don't tell them you were an owner/builder.)

I WAS JUST TESTING THE SMOKE DETECTORS. IT'S MEANT TO BE BLACK.

I DIDN'T REALISE I HAD TO KILL THE CHICKEN BEFORE I MICROWAVED IT.


ADULTERY

Since the beginning of time, men and women have committed adultery. Practically every lie under the sun has been used. Subsequently, A-Grade lying is now required. Refer to the Ten Commandments. If caught in the act, say this with total conviction:

IT'S PURELY PLATONIC.

If this fails, resort to the following:

IT'S PURELY SEXUAL.

I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU. (Because they were pitiful also.)

PLEAD IGNORANCE - WHAT WOMAN, WHAT SUITCASE

WHAT TICKETS TO RIO?

I ONLY DID IT TO REMIND ME OF HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND HOW GOOD YOU REALLY ARE IN BED.

(Don't say this in front of the person you just had sex with.)

IT'S YOUR FAULT, BECAUSE YOU NEVER SHOW ME ANY AFFECTION.

(Not a good line if you get busted having bondage and discipline.)

I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN. (Get caught, that is.)

IT'S YOUR FAULT. (Put it back on them, it's your last resort.)


AGENTS

DON'T CALL US - WE'LL CALL YOU.

THE CHEQUE'S IN THE MAIL. (Yeah.)

THEY'RE IN A MEETING AT THE MOMENT, SO THEY WILL CALL YOU AFTER THEY FINISH.

I'M SORRY, WE DON'T RECEIVE BUSINESS CALLS DURING WORKING HOURS. (If you hear someone in the background say, 'Not this idiot again', it's time for a career change.)

DID YOU THINK WE WERE GETTING 12.5 PER CENT?

WE REPRESENT ELVIS, HENDRIX, BUDDY HOLLY, JANIS, KURT COBAIN AND MELISSA TKAUTZ.

If your agent answers the phone with 'Hello, Abdulla's Charcoal Chicken Shop', there's a good chance he doesn't want to talk to you.


ALCOHOL

With alcohol, one drink is too many and 100 is not enough. Alcohol will make you blatantly lie and boast • especially when confronting the opposite sex.

Some of the more common lies you should not use but will:

I'VE ONLY HAD ONE.

I'VE ONLY HAD TWO.

I'VE HAD A FEW - NOT THAT MANY.

SOMEONE MUST HAVE PUT SOMETHING IN MY DRINK.

IS THAT SOMEONE IN MY DRINK?

I'M NOT PISSED. (I always act like a total idiot.)

I COULD DRINK TEN OF THEM EASY. (Don't make a bet unless it's water.)

SOMEONE ELSE THREW UP ON THE FRONT OF MY SHIRT. (Make sure there's not a piece of carrot hanging out of your nose.)

I LOVE YOU. (You know you're really pissed when you say this.)

I THINK YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. (Try not to slur.)

I OWN A PORSCHE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAR IN MY MOVIE?

OF COURSE I'LL RESPECT YOU IN THE MORNING. (Because I won't be here.)

If they ask you if you remember their name:

OF COURSE I REMEMBER YOUR NAME. (Who are you?)

DON'T INSULT ME.

WE JUST SHARED AN UNBELIEVABLE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE,

SOMETHING THAT I'LL ALWAYS TREASURE AND YOU ASK ME IF I REMEMBER YOUR NAME?

IT'S WRITTEN ON EVERY TOILET WALL IN THE CITY. HOW COULD I FORGET IT?

FORGET YOUR NAME! HOW COULD I FORGET YOUR NAME? I'VE ALREADY GIVEN IT TO TEN OF MY FRIENDS.

If caught with your head down a toilet bowl: I'M NOT PISSED, I'VE JUST COME HERE TO THINK.


APPOINTMENTS

SORRY, I GOT MY DAYS MIXED UP. (And weeks and years.)

THE TRAFFIC WAS HORRIFIC.

(Make sure you don't live next door.)

YOU TOLD ME THREE O'CLOCK NOT TWO O'CLOCK. (Make sure your appointment isn't for one o'clock.)

WOULD YOU BELIEVE MY CAR BROKE DOWN, I WAS THEN KIDNAPPED BY ALIENS IN A UFO AND WHEN I RETURNED TO EARTH THREE HOURS HAD ELAPSED?

SORRY, I CANT MAKE IT TODAY AS I'M FEELING ILL. (This doesn't work on doctors' appointments.)

SORRY, THE TRAIN GOT A FLAT.

SORRY, OUR BUS WAS HIJACKED.

SORRY I'M LATE. (I don't consider this appointment remotely important.)

SORRY, I COULDN'T FIND THE BUILDING. (Believable if your appointment is with an optometrist.)

If asked by a nurse, 'Have you made an appointment?':

YEAH, THREE DAYS AGO, I RANG UP AND BOOKED BECAUSE I THOUGHT ON FRIDAY NIGHT I MIGHT JUST STAB MYSELF EIGHT TIMES AT THE LOCAL PUB, THEN DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL DYING FROM LACK OF BLOOD.

 

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